For Men The Spark Versus The Slow Burn

4 May

Two men were were recently discussing the dynamics of long-lasting relationships, and the elements needed to make them work. They cited intelligent theories and the works of experts who have PHDs in the matter. The conversation was stimulating and full of energy. So, for men the spark versus the slow burn.One topic that was heavily discussed was whether we as people should trust in ‘the spark’ that we either have or don’t have when we meet a potential partner. The theory was that it may be better to continue dating someone if you DON’T have this spark at the beginning. This is because the spark fades, and when it does, what you’re left with is just the person. And you need to know if you actually enjoy that person.

So, what is a matchmaker’s point of view on this ? The question was turned to me after listening to these two men intellectualizing this scenario. I could only come up with one response.

People are incredibly different. We each have layers that make up our character. These layers start building from the day we’re able to start feeling emotion. The environment we’re raised in and the experiences we each have are layers. Other layers include: the way we interact with others and allow others to interact with us. This all varies by individual.Once you peel back the layers, what you find, or I should say, what I have found personally may be surprising. As a matchmaker, I have met many men seeking relationships. After hearing what they’re actually in search of, we’re all pretty similar.We’re all looking for one thing, and that is connection. We find it in the work we do, in the people we meet, the friends we make and our family members. We can find a connection to a beautiful piece of music, a car or even a watch. Connection is what it is all about.

So, how do we build connections with anything ? We take the time to get to know it and draw similarities from them that resonate with us.

Two people are likely to become best friends because on some level they have connected. They may connect in a way that allows them to be vulnerable and respectful of the other person. Pair that with shared experiences and you have the cocktail mix that brings two people together.It’s easy to over-intellectualize what we can’t control, what we don’t fully understand or can find challenging. What we need to remember is that building strong relationships takes time. It also requires the willingness of both people to be open and vulnerable to let each other in. Regardless of whether there is a spark at the beginning or if it’s a slow burn.